5 Tips for informal coaching mentoring

Posted on May 25, 2016May 25, 2016 by Matthew Laker

Making disciples starts by one person informally or formally investing in another.

The coaching/mentoring is a relational experience through which one person journeys with another by sharing God-given resources. It is understood chiefly as coming alongside someone and offering them support, accountability, and a listening ear in any and all aspects of life. Each experience has clearly defined start and finish times. The goal is to help the other person fully enter, engage and experience the life they were created for.

It carries the idea of formal relationships. However, I have come to understand that we all have many informal opportunities to invest in people’s lives.

5 Tips for informal coaching-mentoring

1. It’s not about you –

Often we can see people only as their value to help us reach our own personal goals. The life that Jesus us calls us to is a life that helps others be all they were created to be.

“For everyone looks out for his own interests, not those of Jesus Christ” Philippians 2:21

2. Listen –

In a world of many distractions and anxiety, we struggle to simply slow down and listen to people. Often people are guarded in what they say and there are good reasons for this. This being said, people will often give hints about what is really going on beyond the surface of their life–the life that society sees. However if we do not take a listening posture we miss much of what is going on. Listen with the intention to hear the story and driving forces in people’s lives.

Sometimes the biggest investment we will make is being a listening ear.

3. Make time for relationships –

It all amazes me in the church as people gather on a Sunday morning. Many rush off as soon as the service is over. Now most of our buildings are not designed well for developing relationships. However, people often do not give margin in their life to make time for relationships. To fulfill the great commission we need to make time for relationships. Some of the great conversation we see Jesus in come as he bumps into people during the day.

4. Learn to ask good questions. –

This is a hard one and often only comes with practice. There is always a need to develop discernment if this is the right time to ask deeper questions or a least one that is going to bring further conversation.

Asking good questions helps the person process which then keeps the focus on them. This is not about you giving the answers, even if you know what they should do. It is about helping them discover. There can be time to give advice and often it will be invited.

5. Pray –

Take time to pray with people. Like the guys in Mark 2 who lowered the man through the roof of someone’s house in order to get him to Jesus. Prayer is about taking people to Jesus.

[sh_callout callouttype=”flip” title=”” bordercolor=”rgba(0,0,0,0.15)” bordersize=”1px” borderradius=”4px” backgroundcolor=”rgb(255, 255, 255)” fontcolor=”rgb(23, 129, 218)” buttonenable=”enable” buttonbgcolor=”#DD4040″ buttonfontcolor=”#fff” btnbordercolor=”rgba(0,0,0,0.15)” btnborderwidth=”1px” btnborderradius=”4px” buttontext=”Come back and Check out this Friday’s post on praying for others. You can also receive it to your email box. ” buttonlink = “http://matthewlaker.com/sign-up-for-updates/” buttonTarget=”_blank” fliptext=”Come back and Check out this Friday’s post on praying for others. You can also receive it to your email box. ” flipcolor=”rgb(39, 91, 195)” flipbgcolor=”#fff” flipbordercolor=”rgba(0,0,0,0.15)” iconenable=”enable” iconfontcolor=”#fff” iconbgcolor=”#DD4040″ iconset=”fontawesome” iconfa=” fa fa-glass” iconspin=”disable” image=”” imageheight=”100px” imagewidth=”250px”]Come back and Check out this Friday’s post on praying for others. You can also receive it to your email box. [/sh_callout]

As followers of Jesus, we all will have an opportunity for informal investment in others. Opportunities for the great commission come every week. However, you need to be intentional and full of grace.

Personal Benefits to Playing Board Games

Posted on February 12, 2016February 9, 2016 by Matthew Laker

Board and card games have been part of my life for a long time. Back in high school, I use to play “Axis and Allies” with a friend for hours on end. Growing up, there are a few games I remember well, like trying to set up “mouse trap”. To be honest, I do not remember much about the game, just my sister and I trying to put it together.

When I was dating my wife, we would go see my parents and often the weekend included games. When my wife and I went camping we would play “phase 10” for far too long. Now with our kids often Friday nights we play board games. In 2015, the game of choice for us was “Ticket to ride”.

It is fair to say board games are a big part of our family life. Thus, I have compiled a personal list of why I think we all should play board games. There is no scientific research, just my personal observation.

5 Personal Reasons you should play more Board games

1. Playing board games builds relationships.

A number of guys in a church I was a part of would get together from time to time to play board games. It was not some official church thing, just one guy called another and there we were. It was a great way to get to know people and build relationships. At the same time, I have watched in our family how it has helped build relationships with my kids and provided good family memories. Like when my wife would make me play “phase 10” so much that after the 15th game I gave in and would let her win. The trick is making her think she won. To be honest, it provides better space for conversation to happen. “If you want to get to know people, invite them over and play a game.

2. Playing board games engage our minds and mental health.

Games engage our brain and help work this muscle in different ways than perhaps take place in other areas of our life. Like any muscle that does not get exercised, it loses some ability. Games are great ways to help engage our minds. I have seen how they can relieve stress, boost creativity and I suspect that someone somewhere has research showing how it can improve brain function. As well, when you play with others, there are mental health benefits that come with community.

3. Playing board games help develop decision-making practices.

I have seen this more as I watch my kids, but it has made me start to think. Board games can help us learn to develop strategy and learn the skill of making decisions. In a way, it provides a safe place to learn and develop these skills. This is not just for kids though, I see crossover for adults to learn and become more confident in themselves.

4. Cutting the cord off the screen.

It is no secret that we are watching the screen more and more, in whatever form that may take in your life. There can be good and bad in that. However, if you are looking to decrease your screen time, consider board games with others.

5. Fun and play

I am realizing more and more as an adult we often stop playing. We need to enjoy life and play. There are so many benefits to other areas of life that come out of this.

Ok, so this is not scientific observations, but personal observations. I am not making money from any board game company. Though if any want to send my family a free game we are open to it. These are five observations I believe as to why you should play more board games in your life.

Do you have a favourite board game?

The Apostle Peter’s identity being challenged

Posted on October 30, 2015October 26, 2015 by Matthew Laker

Jesus declares, I will define who we are. “I will make you….” (Matthew 4:18-22).

When we watch the life of the Apostle Peter the more he understands who God is, the more he understands who he is.

Knowing God and knowing self are therefore interdependent” (The Gift of Being Yourself: The Sacred Call to Self-Discovery By David Benner.)

For Peter to find salvation and wholeness, he will have to walk away from the nets. However doing so is not an easy task as the nets are what have defined Peter for so long. Peter seems to have been a faithful Jew, a hard worker, and a family man. He most likely did not have an easy life, but things were average for him. His identity as a business man was as secure as it could be. Then Jesus challenges him to drop that old identity, his net, and follow him.

As we follow Jesus he is going to lead us to see our spiritual nakedness (Gen3), our true selves and our need for him.

In Luke 5:1-11, Peter’s response to Jesus is to recognize his need for Jesus and then challenges Peter’s identity. It was after raising the fish-filled nets up out of the water, that Peter runs to Jesus and shares that he is a sinner. He understands this about himself. However, as Jesus reveals more of himself to Peter, Peter moves from knowledge to experience. God wants us to be aware of our need for divine help. He wants to replace the fig leaves we grab to cover our nakedness (Gen.3:21) and give us real wholeness in our life. To do that we must see ourselves as Jesus see us.

When Jesus says to Peter, “I will make you….” (Matthew 4:18-22), Jesus declares to Peter, I will define who you are.

For us today the question becomes: will we cling to the old nets? Like Peter, will we let Jesus define us or will we let the things we do, or do not do, with our hands define us?

At times we place our self-value in what we have, what we can do and what others think of us. Yet Jesus calls us to walk away from that and drop the nets. Let him define us.

Jesus calls us to an identity that is grounded in our relationship to God the Father. Jesus came to restore our relationship with God the Father. It is as we understand who God is and what Jesus has done that we understand who we are and what we can do.

To go there we must step out of the boat and let go of things we have grabbed a hold of to define us and be honest with ourselves.

What nets do you hold on to that secure you in a false self?

Peter not only understands and comes to know God deeper but he begins to understand himself better, his true self. True self is only found in seeking and accepting God. There, Jesus declares, wholeness is found.

It is their fault or is the enemy closer?

Posted on July 8, 2015June 4, 2015 by Matthew Laker

Sometimes our own actions and attitudes are the greater enemy.

Yes, there is an enemy out there that is contributing to your problems. But, there is also an enemy that many of us are unwilling to consider.

There was an individual who once shared this story with me. ‘I was doing the dishes in our home and cleaning up. During this time I was getting upset with my spouse, and placing much blame. Then I asked myself the question, ‘What have I done to contribute to the situation? The individual added, ‘It was a sad realization though, of how much I was contributing to my own frustration, and bringing tension to the relationship.’

What if instead of searching out an enemy or blaming the enemy out there, we began to reflect on what “I” have done or are doing that has contributed to the perceived problem.

“There is in each of us a propensity to find someone or something outside ourselves to blame when things go wrong” The Fifth Discipline: The Art & Practice of The Learning Organization

We live in a time where we are very quick to blame others. Whenever there is a problem it is caused by the enemy out there. It is always someone else’s fault. Think about your relationships and when conflict comes, is your first thought they or I? When you have a business problem, is the first thought they or I?

At the beginning of the Biblical story we see Adam blaming Eve and Eve blaming the snake. We seem to try and transfer blame first, believing the enemy is out there.

We need to understand that the enemy is not always out there. We can perceive problems as externally caused, but what if our own actions and attitudes may be coming back to hurt us? I understand that sometimes we have done nothing to the enemy, and they are just lashing out at us and hurting us. However, I want to challenge the idea that it is someone else’s fault for how I reacted, or for my attitude.

This is important to understand because it can help defuse a heated argument. It can help us get unstuck and lead to personal growth. It can help your business by really understanding why something did not work out how you thought it should.

Understanding that the enemy is not always out there can lead to change that brings wholeness. Understanding that the enemy is not always out there can help you get out of the valley.

Some things to consider:

· Hit the Pause button – where can you take a deep breath and take steps back to see the full picture. This is self-evaluation.

Questions to ask:

How has your attitude contributed to the situation?
What actions have you taken that could have poured fuel on the fire?
Why do you think that person did that action or reacted in the way they did?
What attitudes and actions contributed to the problem?

Jesus put it this:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3)

This was not to say that the fault lies with you and you alone. In a way he is saying the enemy is not always out there. He is calling Jesus followers to understand how similar you are to that other person. At the same time, there is a reality check that you may not be able to change that other person, even if you point out their sin. You can however change yourself, and if you are going to point out a weakness or sin in another, be humble to take correction yourself.

By understanding this and asking the above questions, and by correcting your own contributions to a situation, you can take steps to greater wholeness and life success.

Do you have any great self-evaluation question to ask?

Fatherhood and Time Management

Posted on May 27, 2015April 14, 2015 by Matthew Laker

As a dad, I often feel like I am being pulled in many directions. The reality is I cannot give 100% all the time in every direction and cannot be in all places.

One of the hardest things when a new child comes into a family is the new rhythms or schedules. Time management becomes even more important.

In my journey I went from zero kids to three in one day, and then we added another son eight years later. I knew because of already having kids, there were different seasons or rhythms. Life was always changing as the older three grew. My hardest part at times was prioritizing items on the “to-do”_ list. But, going back to diapers again was a big challenge to time management, among other things.

Here are a few things I have found helpful:

1. Review your values – What is important? You will find time for what is important. Sometimes we say something is important, but our calendar will reveal something else.

2. Use a calendar and establish routine. Block off time even dates nights with family and your spouse. There are two things that have been good for me. One, I block off Friday nights from 4 pm on as family nights. My kids know it is pizza night and we watch a movie, play board games or in the summer go out to a park. The second thing is that I let my wife have access to my calendar. She sees where my appointments are, and what I hope to be doing. She can also can add in appointments for our kids’ or family.

3. Interruptions are not always bad. – This is one I am still working at. This is life and sometimes the best things happen in interruptions. We need to have some room for margin in our life. We need to have some grace. Grace for ourselves, the kids and your spouse .

4. Get Sleep – You cannot burn the candle at both ends without it catching up to you. You need to find ways to get some sleep. If you just had a baby or have young kids, this is going to be really hard, and so you must work harder to find a good balance. . Getting enough sleep is important for many areas of life. (I read an interesting article by Travis Bradberry called “Sleep Deprivation Is Killing You and Your Career” @ http://www.entrepreneur.com/)

5. Pit crew – You need one person or a group you can check in with that can help you focus, see options and keep you going. Perhaps this could be a role for a coach or mentor to guide you.

6. Communication with your wife. – This will not be easy but you must work at it in order to help. You need to be honest, and give and take at times.

7. ________________________ – What about you? If you have a tip let me know. Post a comment, send me a tweet @Matthew_Laker or matthew@matthewlaker.com

What have you found helpful? Send me a tweet