Pre-marriage Counselling: What is it all About?

Posted on by Matthew Laker

ring on bibleEvery pastor will have his or her different ways or recommendations on this subject.  It is always something I recommend for any couple looking to get married.  Pre-marriage counselling is for the young, old, and yes even if this is a second marriage or more.  Each situation is different and unique.

“Counselling can give you insights into where your particular relationship dynamics might be heading in the wrong direction.” ( Lynne Foote )

When I sit with a couple who have sought me out for pre-marriage counselling, there are three objectives I have. They are:

1. Understand the gospel/biblical perspective of marriage.

Just what does the gospel say about marriage?  Check out this post on “How Does the Gospel Inform us on Marriage?”

2. Understand your relationship dynamics – This involves two aspects:

Understanding yourself and your  partner and how the two interact

at the moment at Sunnyside Wesleyan Church (2014) we are using a program called Prepare-enrich.com

Teaching life and relationship skills

Taking time to reflect upon yourself and your relationship will only help generate a stronger relationship.

“Premarital therapy sessions will give you the opportunity to discuss things that do not come up in normal conversations, such as hurtful past experiences, sex, and expectations. ” ( Racheal Tasker)

3. Affirmation

This may seem strange but the process is there to help with discernment.   The intention is that the couple would get married.  However, this also provides a healthy environment for assessment of the commitment one is going to make.  Marriage is not just a declaration about current love, but a resolution for the future.

What has been your experience with pre-marriage counselling?  What questions do you have about it?

Jesus and Dating: How Does the Gospel Shape Our View of Dating

Posted on by Matthew Laker

 

Growing up, the topic of dating, as a follower of Jesus, was always “do this not this”.  There was never much talk or teaching around understanding how the gospel shapes our view of dating.  As followers of Jesus, how do we approach this topic/activity differently?

I am certain that the question growing up for me was never asked, how the gospel shape my view of dating. The message was,   “Do not have sex, find someone you like who is a believer, good luck”

It was not until after I was married, and speaking with people who are dating that  I started to ask, “Just how does the gospel impact our understanding and practice of singleness, dating, sex, and marriage?”

How does the gospel shape our view of dating?  Here are three forces at work in shaping our view.

1. Beware of the Idol of Romantic Relationships

Our culture shapes our view on dating and relationships.  Passion, lust, and selfishness rule in many lives.  Even after getting control in these areas, one will still from time to time have to deal with them.  The roots of those battles are connected to idols in our lives.

Do you look to a relationship or a person and say only they make me feel valuable?  Do you think when I have a relationship then I will be okay? Beware of the Romance idol.

2. The Bible Does Not Speak Directly About Dating.

There is no biblical history on dating.  We can talk about marriage, and find teaching about marriage throughout scripture.  We cannot find teaching on finding a spouse.  Jesus never said this is how far sexually you can go with the opposite sex before it is too far.  We do not have a recorded teaching of Jesus sitting with the disciples and sharing, “So here are the five things to do to find a spouse”.    Often the concept of dating has been more influenced by culture in the church, then looking to the gospel for influence.

3. World View Matters

If Jesus is the centre of your life, then as a follower of Jesus, when you make a major decision you are thinking about God.  If the other person has a different world-view, they are not going to understand that.  You will have to hide much from them.  This is not what any one wants in a relationship.  Your values and driving forces will be different.

2 Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.  For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common.”

Yes the passage is not a mandate against dating a non-Christian, but a strong statement that it’s not a good direction.  Non-Christians have a different king in their lives.

2 Corinthians 6:14-7:1, reminds us that Jesus is to sit at the centre in our temple.  Assuming that you are dating in order to find spouse, the biblical understanding of marriage is that you unite your two lives together.  The two temples are to come together and Christ is to be the centre.   However, if the two temples are of two different gods, Christ cannot be the centre.

Worldview matters.

3. Identity is in Jesus

In 2 Corinthians 6:16 it says “What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols?  For we are the temple of the living God.  As God has said: ‘I will live with them and walk among them and I will be their God, and they will be my people.”

Now you may read this and think, ‘Come on this sounds old fashioned’. However, what God is doing is reminding us that Heis the centre of our life.  What that means is, as a follower of Jesus, our identity comes from Jesus. Our identity is not to come from the relationship or the other person, but from Jesus.

Now these are three truths for understanding how the gospel shapes our view of dating.  I will leave with you the challenge of practically starting to work these out in your life.  Yes, there are questions not answered here.  Finding a spouse can be a hard journey.

Do you have any practical advise?  Share below in the comments.

Say Yes to Sex: How Does the Gospel Shape Our View of Sex?

Posted on by Matthew Laker

How does the gospel shape our view of sex? Before you can deal with your addiction to pornography, before brokenness can be brought to healing, before we can speak into our sex crazed culture, we must first establish a foundation for a biblical worldview of sex.

Largely, culture has shaped our view in this area.  We are products of our culture, and this is not always a bad thing.  However, to follow Jesus means we align our life with his.
How does the gospel shape our view of sex?

1. Sex is a good thing, but scarred by the fall.

Genesis 1:27 tells us that we bear the image of God. There is a connection to 2 Corinthians 6 in that we are temples of God. Genesis shares that this image in us, and every aspect of life, has become disordered, or missed the mark on what God intended.  This means that today we see sex used for power, self-interest and identity.

Sex is a God initiated thing, it is more than procreation. In scripture, there is a book called “Song of Songs”, which is about the love between a husband and wife, and a sexual relationship.  It bears a positive image.
What has happened is sex has become an ultimate. Sex was never intended to be about power or identity, and even though it feels good, it was not even about self-interest.
Jesus came to bring restoration to our lives, and this includes our sex lives sexuality.

2. Sex is for marriage.

The scriptures are clear that sex is to be saved for a marriage relationship.  In 1 Cor. 6:12-20, Paul shares that those who have sex outside of marriage will not inherit the Kingdom of God.  Notice however, it is not so much the act, as it is they have rejected God.  Essentially, they have said, “God you are not good enough, sex is”.  Because of this, they do not honour God with their bodies; they do not want anything to do with God.
Paul however reminds us that you have a new identity.  These things once defined you, but you accepted and received God’s grace and are now set apart instead of called out..
Tim Keller writes “Sex affects our heart, our inward being, not just our body. Sin, which is first and foremost a disorder of the heart, therefore has a big impact on sex. Our passions and desires for sex now are very distorted. Sex is for whole-life self-giving. However, the sinful heart wants to use sex for selfish reasons, not self-giving, and therefore the Bible puts many rules around it to direct us to use it in the right way. 1 The Christian sex ethic can be summarized like this: Sex is for use within marriage between a man and woman.” (Keller, Timothy (2011-11-01). The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (pp. 212-213). Penguin Group US. Kindle Edition.)

3. Sex is a reminder of belonging.

The gospel calls us to sex within marriage. It is a way to honour God, but also our spouse. Look again at 1 Corinthians 6:20 and 7:4. There is an understanding that sex is a gift that is not for anyone else, but for the person we are married to. Sex becomes a renewing of the marriage covenant.
As we would surrender to Jesus, as he alone is the God of our temple, so too do we declare in sex to our spouse that we are committed to him/her alone. Our spouse is not a piece of property for our own purposes.  Sex is about serving the other person instead of seeking self-interest.
We are not directed to sexual abstinence because we have a low view of marriage or sex, but because we have a lofty one.

4. Sex has emotional, physical and spiritual uniting elements to it.

As we look at the text and the wording of “one flesh.”  It is more than just a physical uniting.  One leaves a piece of them self with that person.  The one flesh is about uniting not just physically, but all areas of one’s life.  If we are not going to do that, do not become naked before each other.

Where do we go from here?

a. Let Jesus followers create and be a community practising a new sex ethic.

In this community, the consumerism of sex and material values in our world do not hold.

b. Married People.

Take some time and talk about sex and the role it plays in your marriage.

c. A Call For Renewal in Holiness.

We need to be careful of not letting something else become good news for us.  For some you have removed Jesus as the centre of your temple, and are looking elsewhere for what Christ can only give you.  Unless we understand this, and that Jesus is good news, we will not honour God with our bodies.
So think about renewing your commitment to Jesus, and receive his forgiveness and grace in your life.  Even if you have not been aligned with God’s will, choose to walk the road today

 

Listen to a sermon from  March 2, 2014 on this topic.

How The Gospel Shapes Our View of Marriage.

Posted on by Matthew Laker

 

How does the gospel of Jesus shape our view of marriage?

Many things will shape our view of marriage.  Most of the influence is broken down into two areas: Culture and personal family experience.
In the church, we often look at Ephesians 5 when we want to talk about marriage.  This passage can challenge some individuals.   The challenge is from some who have misused the passage for power trips, and our own struggles with idols and lies in our life.

Here are four foundation blocks of truths to help us understand how the gospel shapes our view of marriage:

1. The passage is not about marriage, but it is.

For many, the first thing they see in the passage is the marriage conversation that is taking place. However, this is not Paul’s main point, the gospel is.

The passage is all about the gospel, Jesus and the church. (Eph. 5:27, 32.)
I read a comment somewhere by Tim Keller along these lines: The gospel is the good news that the creator of life, God himself, comes to rescue us from sin, and renew all things in and through the work of Jesus on our behalf. He does this to establish his people and kingdom, calling his people to partner in the expanding and establishing of this kingdom.

2. Marriage is an illustration of the gospel.

Paul and other passages in scripture point to marriage, and use it as an illustration of the gospel at work.   This illustration reveals how Jesus restricted his life to come and serve us, loving us enough to die in our place.  It reveals the type of relationships we are to have with God.  Such as one husband, and no other Gods are to be in our temple.

3. Marriage is about serving and submitting.

Many in the West may not want to hear this because of the idol that says marriage is about self.  Paul shares how marriage is really about serving and helping the other person become all that God created them to be.

The submission conversation is actual a mutual submission that is taking place.  The book, Love and Respect has a great diagram that relates well here.
As the husband loves his wife, the wife respects her husband.  As the wife respects her husband, the husband loves his wife. In a healthy marriage, we see this circular pattern as an ongoing cycle.

Tim Keller shares in his book The Meaning of Marriage; “If two spouses each say, “I am going to treat my self-centeredness as the main problem in the marriage,” you have the prospect of a truly great marriage.”

The reason we are submitting to each other draws back to our relationship with Jesus, and out of reverence for Christ.

4. It is a Covenant Relationship.

Consumerism has entered every level of our lives. Our relationships are not immune to this, and it seeks to undermine those relationships.  However, the idea of a covenant relationship in the biblical framework is one of sacrificial commitment for the good of the other.  It recognizes there is both a horizontal and a vertical element..

Paul in Eph. 5:31 references Genesis 2.  “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

The thought here is to cleave or literally glue yourself to the other and God.   It is about making a promise of love for the future, not a declaration of how much I love you now. Scripture has a very high view of marriage and so should we.  How does the gospel shape our view of marriage?

Marriage is an illustration of the gospel, and calls us to help the other person become who God created them to be.

In 2014, I gave a teaching on this. During the teaching, we also interviewed some couples about their marriage experience.  You can listen to the sermon below.

Singleness: How the Gospel Shapes our View of Singleness.

Posted on by Matthew Laker

 

one flowerOur identity is not wrapped up in our marital status, but in our redemptive status.

For any single there are pressures from within, from cultures, from family and from church.  Our culture is obsessed with romantic relationships and unfortunately at times, the church is no different.  In the church, my guess is that we are often ignorant to the perception we give to singles.
But, how are we to view singleness?  How does the gospel shape our view of singleness? Often we look at 1 Corinthians 7:29-31, where Paul speaks about singleness.  The first thing to note is v. 29, Paul shares the time is short.

1. The Eschatology age is now.

I bet you never thought we would talk about end times and singleness together.  Both Paul and Jesus spoke of the kingdom of God that is breaking into human history.  We are now living in the end days. The early Church was living as if this was its last day, and that shaped its worldview. This is why Paul says in v. 31 that everything is passing away.
Ben Witherington directed my attention to this:

“This being the case what had been said before on the matters of marriage, divorce, and singleness is no longer adequate, since it was not addressed to the current salvation historical frame of reference. In short, new occasions teach new duties, and to those to whom more is given (by way of grace and divine help) more is required. In essence, both Jesus and Paul up the ante on fidelity and restrictions compared to what is mentioned in the OT about marriage and divorce. In fact Jesus even says that Moses made those rules due to the hardness of the human heart, but that factor will no longer be taken into consideration now that the Kingdom is coming. 2) Jesus, followed by Paul, is perfectly clear that in light of the eschatology situation, it is no longer required, even of Jews that they marry. The creation order mandate— “be fruitful and multiple or multiply” (and the obligation to marry that goes with it) must now be seen as a blessed option, not an obligation for all of God’s people” .

Some of you might be saying, “But, I want the blessing”, but remember: Our identity is not wrapped up in our marital status, but in our redemptive status.

2. Being married and not being married are good conditions.

In light of what the church culture may say, Paul is clear that being single is a good condition.  In What is the meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller comments about how big a statement this is.

In Ancient religions and cultures, they placed an absolute value on the family and of bearing children.  A single person would be considered less than human.
Paul shares that for those that choose to be single, and those who have yet to find a spouse  that their future is not guaranteed by the human family, but by God.

Our identity is not based upon being married or single.  We are to live as only Jesus matters.

3. A call to Develop a Devotion to the Lord

In the text Paul is sharing, I do not want you to have divided interests.  He shares this in hopes that people would have undivided devotion to the Lord.  These restrictions or instructions are not meant to hinder, but rather to remind us of our anchor as followers of Jesus is in Christ.

How does the gospel shape our view of singleness?  It shares that our identity is not wrapped up in it, but in Jesus.

Ben Witherington shares:

“The church does not exist for the sake of creating nuclear families. The primary family is the family of faith according to Jesus, and the nuclear family is to fit its agendas into those of the family of faith, not the other way around. A family church should be one that is a family to all who are present, single or married, not one that is merely an incubator for nuclear families.”
What has been your experience of being single in the church?

Resources:

“Jesus and Paul on Singleness, Marriage and Divorce: – Ben Witherington

February 2014 I taught at this at Sunnyside Wesleyan Church Downtown site.